A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who
was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put
these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband,
and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this
family.
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied,
"That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your damn
attitude changes!
A man comes home from the office saying "Honey, I've got a friend from the office
coming over for dinner tonight." "How could you invite someone over without telling
me first," she responds, "the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess, the laundry is stacked
up, and I haven't even started on dinner!"
"The darn fool wants to get married so I wanted him to see what married life was like!"
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news
first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your
secretary."
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
generosity. He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never
hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were off! About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale,
sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I
quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers?"
On New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that
it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to
death.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning
and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he
reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my
luck. So tell me, what do I owe you?"
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever.
There was music, tons of food, and best of all, a girl jumping out of a cake.
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention.
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with
you on the happiest day of your life."
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be
here with you on the happiest day of your life."
